It was still dark as she closed her front door for the last time. Her neighbor looked out of her window, standing quietly in the morning darkness. She managed a small smile, backed up with a tear. “Goodbye” mimed her lips quietly behind the glass. Then she was gone.
Being swept off her feet, knight in shining armor, no that was not what she expected out of life. I guess, it was more like..yes. Peace of Mind.
They had been there before. They had talked about it 100, no 1000 times without getting anywhere she wanted to go. He talked of their life together. Settling down, buying a house, starting a family, just not yet. There was still time, he said. Time to plan things out, save up more money, plan it all until it was perfect.
She didn’t want, or believe in perfect anymore. She had waited at the altar, and had her share of lovers. Perfect plans they might have been called, but that was all passé. She wanted something else. Something that her current life couldn’t deliver.
He told her that she was making a mistake. He was her one and only. He was the one who could make her happy. He was….
All she wanted was to move on with life. She had plans, a list of things to do. She had to move on.
Her parents smiled and nodded. “You know, we are here for you!”. “We’ll be here when you return, uh, if you return”. No one wanted to take her feelings seriously. Everyone expected her to come back. Everyone but her.
Her suitcases looked forlorn on the steps leading up to her apartment. Battered and worn from past experiences they seemed to call out to her, “It is now, isn’t it?” Wanting to be gone as much as she. Wanting to call somewhere else home.
“Think about your job?” her co-workers said. It was true what they said. Her job. Stability. Regular income. Planned madness. Those things didn’t fit together. Even the good things seemed to mixed up.
Fears, hopes, dreams. Decisions to be made. Feelings hurt. People to meet. Endings and Beginnings.
She hesitated. She had done that a lot lately, planning then cancelling, then planning once again. She was so close last night to cancelling her plans, then calling her family, her friends and her lover to say that it was just a silly mistake. A faux pas. That could happen to anyone. She looked around her emptied apartment. It all seemed so unreal, first planning, then then packing, then….
Her indecisiveness was at an all time high. Having to weigh her possibilities by making a list with pros and cons. She laughed aloud, even though she was alone. It’s kind of like holding a summer flower in my hand, “He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me…”. But he did love me, he’d said it often enough for me to believe it. I wanted to believe it, but sometimes even that is not enough, sometimes I want something more out of life.
The air smelled of snow. The branches of the barren trees began to sway, as if the wind of change was heading her way.
Well, she said. It’s now or never. And with that thought in mind, she blended into the morning light….