Posted in Humor

To All of My Friends

To all of my friends,
acquaintances, neighbors
and the odd man on the street
who attended my annual birthday bash
yesterday, last night/this morning/
still in progress,

I wish to apologize for any/and/all
inappropriate/not politically correct/
totally out of place
comments/innuendos/odd remark/slap on the incorrect/correct body part/-that might have been made by the incorrect/correct/one in a million kind of a guy/your next door neighbor who attended
this local event,

Some people, but not all of them present/past present/ future present/and those who wanted to be counted as present, but were denied entry at the door by a gorilla-clad security guard,
would be wise in remembering just why it was necessary for
undue nudity/totally embarrassing nudity/partially-clad, OMG don’t remove that piece of clothing, are you mad?/ incidents which caused some of the neighbors, most likely them not present/them not in the loving arms of their “assumed” wife/those who once were proud to call themselves neighbors, but have attained a higher sense of Nirvana, after attending the party last night!
-to call for the police/your wife/wives/Homeland Security/the local Pastor of your Bible Congregation to protest vigorously that the cream cheese dip didn’t match the amount of chips present, thus causing an imbalance in the lop-sided nature of the kitchen, with the hecklers on the one side, and the Vegans on the other,

I assure you/all you/you all/ most of you who still want to recognize my face in a crowd/are totally indifferent to my words/my wife present/wives past present, and any/all future perfect wives, who don’t exist in this time-line continuum no matter how many episodes of Star Trek they/you/all of them/none of them/German subjunctive forms 1, 2 and 3
that I will be celebrating next year’s party on a new date, which may or may not have occurred after having read this apology!

In that case, thanks for your participation/past and present…..

Posted in Canada, Coffee, Dogs, Humor, Poetry, Prose

Too Many Cigarettes

Too much coffee
too much loving
too much sugar
too much insanity
-when you threw a chair at me
too much wonder
too few sunsets
too many cigarettes
too many thoughts of you two
too many thoughts of just me
too many fleas on my dog
too many toos in this poem
too few letters written by me
to you…..

Posted in Humor, Poetry, Prose, Relationships

Freeze Him Out!

I told her

“Stay away from him
deny him your pleasures
be wary of his advances,
don’t fall for his lies,”

Stick close by me,
I’ll protect you

Speak your mind,
once and for all!

Oh, by the way
remember,
when he comes home
for dinner,

I’ll be right behind you
in the next room
with the door locked
on the inside,

-when you tell him, what we think
about him….

Posted in Humor, Life

Guys and Words

I’ve been considering a few nicely, crafted words to use, if/when the next moment of passion hits me. I know from personal experience that words seem to come easy, when the situation feels right, but in all haste, the wrong word is expressed instead. Women tend to want to talk about their feelings, which I am not opposed to, but having the correct word at the correct time, is essential for us guys.

Just think about “I Love”. That might refer to the heated action of a sporting event, or a racy sport’s van with “Miss I Wouldn’t Think Those Thoughts, If I Were You” was draped over the hood, being fastened securely by Velcro and Duct Tape, while smiling in the process.

What might be more appropriate, than the use of “I Love”?

I might just say that “My hens are satisfied with their laying boxes”, which most women would want to interpret in ways that either would stir their passions to the boiling point, or douse them with a bucket of icy, cold water!

You know how it is, being in the throes of passion, your mind empty for other thoughts than those devilish words, that just a few seconds later will, will be changing your life on this planet forever?

Here is my partial list of one-liners at times like those:

  1. My weather vane, or Girouette if you prefer French, is telling me that good weather is passing our way!
  2. The underestimation of daily use of foot powder, was the chief cause of the demise of the Roman Empire!
  3. I love the way you simulate sleep, after my time-tried moves of passion!
  4. I want to spend all of my waking hours organizing your shoe trees!

I’d wait to use number 4, until you get to know the girl better. You never know, what raw emotions, you might awaken with spicy thoughts like that….

Posted in Humor, Poetry, Prose

Considering Wallpaper

My walls are bare
not just a little,
but glaringly naked,
I considered wallpaper
and a girl I know
at the same time,
would she accept my naked thoughts
of her wrapped in wallpaper
actuating her feminine form, or
should I just give her a quick coat of paint
and shut the lights off
to hide the blemishes and cracks?

Posted in Denmark, Humor, Poetry, Prose

Not Satisfied this Spring

The English House Sparrows
sitting on the bird feeder
empty,
are not satisfied
this Spring,

There is nothing more frustrating
than an empty bird feeder
which had been filled,
eaten ravenously
by dozens of English House Sparrows
waiting patiently somewhere
in Northern Denmark
in the Spring,

– Now I’m afraid
to venture outside
to refill the bird feeder
with seeds and the like
for fear that dozens and more
English House Sparrows
are lying in wait for one who thought
that those tiny birds used to look
so nice

Very hungry, dissatisfied, frustrated
English House Sparrows

in the Spring

not nice anymore….

Posted in Humor, Poetry, Prose, Relationships

Twisting

Twisting her hair
around her finger
strands falling
upon the beach where I lay
thunderous, the sky grew
darker and threatening
lightning flashed and streaked
her hair, in torrents of colors
while I was taken aback
encased in her moody whims
of yet another hair style
gone bad…..

Posted in Denmark, Humor

Activist Intentions

To whom it may concern:
The Union Meeting tonight of which I
will be attending, concerning
pertinent matters with my other
activist buddies, will begin
with a discussion about
Socialist Activism in
non-Communist teachings
rooted in the inequality of
seating arrangements
at the dinner table,
I look forward
to a robust panel discussion
with possible ejection
of certain rogue elements
who despise our
Democratic Principles, and policy of
open-mindedness……

Posted in Humor, Relationships

Not, Not Thinking About You

You, and I think you know who you are, know about this delicate topic, but which now needs to see the light of day.

We have agreed, perhaps not on a verbal level, not to be thinking about each other, as it only gives us problems, being so distant from one another. The problem is that others, who do not understand, the not not part, might jump to conclusions about our relationship.

This blog will serve to clarify it for you.

If you and I spoke Spanish, which we don’t and probably won’t, it would be grammatically correct to use the double negative. If I was not, not thinking about you, then our other Spanish-speaking friends, might think that something was going on between us, which it is not, and as far as I know, we do not, have any Spanish-speaking friends. If in fact you do, then merely place a “not” in front of do not, thus solving that problem immediately.

It might be likened to reverse psychology, in which the reverse is true, but some might want to put a “not” in front of reverse, which would cancel out the “not, not” making it just psychology, which wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever.

If we could agree on a course of action, just not together, as we are not thinking of each other, and not involved with matters of the heart, which tend to make knotty problems of things at hand. If I said that I was not thinking about you, nor did I think, that I wouldn’t be thinking about you in the future, then some people might need a road map, or some sort of APP+Apple ID, which never seems to work for me, and what I cannot remember anyway, which is a good thing in a negative way!

If you are getting confused at this point, then I would congratulate you on getting this far, as all of these not, nots do tend to complicate the matter a bit.

If, in the future, when some part of you wants to think about me, then I want you to place a “not” in front of : I was just “not” thinking of you, but please don’t tell me of that, or I will be forced to place my own “not” in the return sentence, which might just mean that we actually were thinking about each other in the first place, and that was not, not my intention, whatsoever.

Not being yours truly

-not him….