To All of My Friends

To all of my friends,
acquaintances, neighbors
and the odd man on the street
who attended my annual birthday bash
yesterday, last night/this morning/
still in progress,

I wish to apologize for any/and/all
inappropriate/not politically correct/
totally out of place
comments/innuendos/odd remark/slap on the incorrect/correct body part/-that might have been made by the incorrect/correct/one in a million kind of a guy/your next door neighbor who attended
this local event,

Some people, but not all of them present/past present/ future present/and those who wanted to be counted as present, but were denied entry at the door by a gorilla-clad security guard,
would be wise in remembering just why it was necessary for
undue nudity/totally embarrassing nudity/partially-clad, OMG don’t remove that piece of clothing, are you mad?/ incidents which caused some of the neighbors, most likely them not present/them not in the loving arms of their “assumed” wife/those who once were proud to call themselves neighbors, but have attained a higher sense of Nirvana, after attending the party last night!
-to call for the police/your wife/wives/Homeland Security/the local Pastor of your Bible Congregation to protest vigorously that the cream cheese dip didn’t match the amount of chips present, thus causing an imbalance in the lop-sided nature of the kitchen, with the hecklers on the one side, and the Vegans on the other,

I assure you/all you/you all/ most of you who still want to recognize my face in a crowd/are totally indifferent to my words/my wife present/wives past present, and any/all future perfect wives, who don’t exist in this time-line continuum no matter how many episodes of Star Trek they/you/all of them/none of them/German subjunctive forms 1, 2 and 3
that I will be celebrating next year’s party on a new date, which may or may not have occurred after having read this apology!

In that case, thanks for your participation/past and present…..

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