Posted in Family, Humor, Life, Relationships

Clothes Make the Man!

but…

You see. I didn’t put the “but” in the title, but I considered doing so.

I wish, someone had told me the following things, before I moved to Denmark:

  1. socks must be the same/equal color of shirt at social functions
  2. your spouse will not think of you as special with the ensuing years
  3. your favorite clothing won’t be your wife’s favorite
  4. breaking wind, even at home, becomes less acceptable with time

I’ll take the one with socks first. Here is the scenario: I/we are attending a social function, in which I choose clothing for myself, even though my jacket, shirt and freshly-pressed pants are hanging on the closet door, without my prior knowledge.

“The socks must match your shirt. Why? Because”

As you can see, we are not on the same wavelength. My argument is that when we arrive, we are standing up with our socks not visible. Then we are seated – again, no visible socks. Then as the evening progresses, most of the guests are involved with drinking and telling lies about each other to bother with my mismatched mania! I might be wrong. What happens in the lady’s powder room is unknown to me, but might be something like,”OMG. Did you see his socks! Why are they still together?

That might be the reason for that rule, but then, I’m only guessing?

I’ll just skip number 2 for now, and hasten onward to number 3. Favorite Clothing.

Look at this photo:

foto1

One is the accepted cap, and the other being my favorite cap. There should be no doubt in the minds of my female readers, and perhaps some style-conscious men, but there is a difference between the two.

Why worry when walking the dog, in the dark, in the Winter, when most people, like my wife, would be back inside the house perusing Pinterest! It is warm, and reminds me of my father, who gave it to me back around 35 years or so. I even think it represents some fertilizer or fungicide product, which probably has been made illegal by the EPA, or someone like that?

Number 4 has to do with breaking wind. Just think if you were on a date, or had just started using the L-word with someone special. Some of you have your hands up, and I can assume the question concerns dating, even if you are married, and not thinking of your significant other at that point in time? Don’t  worry. I am not here to judge you, but I’d watch out if she sends you text messages, and your wife casually looks at your cellphone, while you are emptying the trash! Think about the embarrassment of breaking wind on your date. At home it shouldn’t matter, because your spouse knows you and your silly habits, and should be used to you by now? You would think so, but take it from an old married guy like me, don’t ever try to second-guess women on that one!

What about number 2? My advice is to forget it. You won’t change how she thinks anyways, and accepting it is easier than arguing about it!

“What should we do today, Dear?” – The laundry and cleaning the toilet!

Togetherness is grand, isn’t it, but don’t think that you are appreciated by doing household chores, as they are just accepted forms of married life.

If I were a trouble-maker, I’d break some wind, then put on my mismatched socks and favorite cap and disappear into the night…..

Don’t worry, I’ll be back. The dog just needed to perform some socially accepted behavior – just for dogs….

 

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Author:

American living in Denmark.

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