A little bird told me that you were planning a trip to Denmark! I thought I should warn you, before you take the plunge, and finalize your plans, before the whole ugly truth is known.
- It is not Canada. I know you might think it is, but you would be wrong in thinking like that.
- Danes speak funny. They might be worse at speaking English than Americans, or worse yet, at speaking their own language. Just ask Norwegians, or Swedes!
- It is smaller than it looks on the map. When I take a morning stretch on the East Coast, I risk hitting someone with my left elbow on the West Coast. Many a time I have had to apologize to someone, whose West Coast dialect might be saying, “No problem, or go back to the States, Yankee Dog”.
- People drive on the right hand-side of the road. If you were thinking England or Australia, you were wrong on that one as well. Choosing to drive on the left-hand side might suit you, but the Danish Police are not as lenient as you might think.
- There is no snow, or minus temperatures in May. Froid might just be something you’ll long for after a week or so in Denmark, causing you to take up residence in the nearest box freezer. Note! Danes might look funny at your behavior!
- French is not spoken on a daily basis. This might be a plus or a minus knowing how badly my pronunciation is, but then our paths might not even cross during your visit, which would be a plus!
- Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as the Danish Alps. A certain deranged blogger has perpetuated those claims in order to further his half-cocked humor for the rest of the world. Sky Mountain (Himmlberg) is really not taller than 147 meters, and even that is lower than Ejer Bavnehøj 170,35 meters – the true top of Denmark.
- The Danish Queen does not shake hands with foreigners. Unless your title is Prime Minister, President, or Dictator for Life, then I’m afraid that you’ll have to settle for a photo taken outside one of her many residences, with only you present – A true selfie!
- The Statue, The Little Mermaid really is little. Seen from the side, it measures no more than 2 cm in thickness, and is taken in at night after 7pm to avoid theft of her pedestal. It is though a fabulous piece of metal-like cardboard, which is water resistant to boot!
- Mr Right does not live in Denmark! If you thought that you’d finally found true love, then I’d advise you to think again! Men over here are not to be trusted. They will promise you the world just for the chance of looking into your eyes, telling you sweet lies, then stealing your passport, and selling it somewhere in Poland! You’d be better off romancing the stone somewhere in Tunisia, or some other country where you would at least get an education in belly-dancing before they ejected you from the country! Think about that!
I apologize for the lateness of these warnings, but I felt the need to delay the inevitable as long as possible, so as not to shatter your dreams.
If it is indeed too late for you to change your mind, or to get the price of your ticket refunded, then I welcome you to Denmark with open arms. Uh, that last part might be called number 11. if my wife doesn’t agree to that bit with open arms!
You see, Denmark does have a lot of disadvantages!