She wanted us to return where we started out. She wanted us to wipe the slate clean, as if she could wipe out the countless affairs with unnamed men, across the Country, the Continent, the Globe!
“Colonel Mustard”, she began in a rather formal way. “I would like, wait a minute”, she said without warning. “Just what is your first name?”
I would have thought that any woman would have known the answer to that question, when she was in the throes of passion, and needed to call out her lover’s name when the journey had reached its end!
“It’s not really the end of the journey”, she said. “You might have reached the destination, but there were still sights to see, while being there. Take your time and visit all of the high points while there. Don’t run away until I say so, because I am better acquainted with the duration, which your visit should be, so don’t be a stranger and run out of town!”
When she explained that to me, I had to think about it for a while, but in the end I assumed that it again was a double entendre, which only she knew the real meaning of.
Now it was getting to be rather personal, with us using first names and all. I could only hazard a guess, what her name was, but any number of Harlots, mentioned in the literature of our time, were the first names that came to my mind. Being the gentleman that I was, I chose not to drift into innuendo, and decided to let the lady speak for herself.
“Oh, Colonel.” She said suddenly in a coy way, batting her eyelashes and drawing forth a red-colored fan, which she needed to cool her blushing cheeks.
I had no other choice but to bow down in a stately manner and address her as the prim and proper woman that now stood before me, as pure as the winter snow, and as demure. I admit to having a certain weakness for the opposite sex, and there was no exception to the rule in the case of Miss Scarlett.
She chose that moment to withdraw to the Sitting Room, where her Lady’s Companion was waiting to entertain her with pleasant conversation about the allowance, she was expecting to receive in accordance with her new position.
I decided to lean against the mantle, and observe the flames in the fireplace, while smoking fine Cuban Cut Cigars, and enjoying a large glass of Whiskey. I was rather pleased in knowing Miss Scarlett, and continued to be amazed by her wealth of worldly information and knowledge of a myriad of topics. I was just about to stoke the fire a bit more, when there came a scream from the adjacent room – The Sitting Room to be exact, where my love, the Fabulous Miss Scarlett was last known to be.
With the hot poker still in my hand, I burst into the room to find the lifeless body of Miss Scarlett’s Lady Companion on the floor, still clutching her laced handkerchief, while Miss Scarlett was bending over her, with a jagged piece of glass in her hand.
“Good God Miss Scarlett, what has happened?”
“Oh, Colonel, something dreadful has just occurred.” She noticed the Red Hot Poker in my hand and started to giggle uncontrollably. “Oh, Colonel. You shouldn’t have! You really know how to come to the point, I must say!”
I placed the poker in the fireplace and fell to the ground to listen for her breathing, or feel for a pulse from the lifeless companion. “Is she?”….The color disappeared from Miss Scarlett’s face, leaving only a soft pink glow on her cheeks.
“Yes. I’m afraid she is no more!” Covering her face with my handkerchief, concealing the look of terror on her pretty face. The last look that she’d ever have of her cursed existence on this planet.
“Miss Scarlett, can you explain how this happened?”
Her painted red lips started to move, but no sound came from them. Suddenly she swooned into my arms, forcing me to carry her unconscious form into the Study away from this most terrible of all scenes. I held her hand while fanning her face, hoping that her attack was not of the fatal kind, and she soon would return to the realm of the living and breathing once again. I got up and poured myself a new glass of whiskey, before I re-entered the Sitting Room, where the body still lay on the carpet.
Rotten luck for Miss Scarlett, if this incident is leaked out to the papers, I mumbled to myself, while reaching for the nearby telephone. “Operator, Give me the police. This is an emergency!” Within an hour the local police were on the scene, taking statements, pounding the pavement, and questioning me from the bottom of my Wellies to the top of my Safari Hat, which by the way wasn’t the most gentlemanly thing to have on while in the house, but then you never know when a charging Rhino might pop up and need to be blasted to Kingdom Come? No self respecting Big White Game Hunter would be caught dead without his Safari Hat on, while attending to the odd Rhino charge or two. It just wasn’t Cricket doing things like that.
The detective in charge, with the tough sounding name of Malloy, didn’t accept my explanation, despite having been in the most trustworthy positions before. “Anyone might have murder in their hearts!” he said, as if we went through the Mansion with ropes, blackjacks, revolvers,etc. with our only aim to kill each other off, one by one….
As he approached the door to the Sitting Room, I hastened to throw a body block on Malloy, stopping him from reaching the door knob Tout de Suite. “Outta my way, he bellowed”, and pulled a gun out of his pocket, aiming it toward my heart, as if I were the criminal here!
“I would advise you to move it 2 more inches to the right, otherwise you might miss”, speaking to him as if we were playing a friendly game of Snooker in the Game Room.
I opened the door gently so as not to disturb Miss Scarlett, when I noticed that her lifeless form, had somehow recovered from its state of swooning, and had exited the room through 2 locked doors, that is locked from the outside.
“Just where did you say she was,?” Malloy asked, while searching the room from top to toe. “There is no one here, not a trace”, he said while looking at me. Or did you just make up that story to shift the blame from yourself?”
I never experienced such impertinence in my whole life! If he hadn’t been a member of the law, I would have thrashed him within an inch of his life, speaking to a man decorated by his Majesty, George VI himself, for duties performed above and beyond the call of duty. I wasn’t about to let this upstart try to sully my name after what I had done in service to our Country at the battlefields of the last 2 wars!
I took forth my walking stick and held it at arm’s length between the Blighter and myself, forcing him to face the wall, where I blindfolded him and tied his hands, but loosely. I then made my getaway through the secret passage behind the bookcase. I needed to prove the innocence of both myself as well as that of Miss Scarlett, before I would face the consequences of this most daring and in some ways, cowardly act.
In the corridor behind the bookcase, I espied a thread belonging to the type of dress, that Miss Scarlett was accustomed to wear. I held my hand before my eyes, as I rounded the corner, lest I found her in a state of undress, which is not fitting for a gentleman as myself to be privy to, unless being motioned into her Boudoir in the dead of night, when our passions were set alight by her fiery emotions.
It seemed rather dark, as I entered into the next room, so throwing caution to the wind, I lowered my hand in search of the light switch which would aid and assist me in this most noble task of finding my love. The illumination was so intense that I was momentarily blinded, so that my first impressions were not trustworthy if retold in a court of law. At second glance, I saw the lovely Miss Scarlett loosely bound at the wrists, sitting in an unladylike position on the cold stone floor. Opposite her was a man who seemed rather familiar to me, but whose true identity was to be kept secret as he bludgeoned me on the head, with a Semi-automatic pistol of which the manufacturers name was lost due to my most ill timed unconsciousness.
I must admit to crying out in pain,which never would have happened if I had been run over by a herd of Wildebeests, but then this was not Africa after all, so the circumstances have altered the equation a bit. Miss Scarlett was sobbing quietly telling me how she still didn’t know my first name, but it really didn’t matter if we were about to be fed to the wolves, or foxes as the case might be. We found ourselves bound to each other, which wasn’t as bad as you might think, if you had felt the soft and warm skin of the woman of my dreams, as I did in that difficult situation.
“Oh Colonel. I’ve always dreamed about us sharing a special moment like this, bound by ropes and promises of a night of passion together!” I could smell her perfume and imagined rubbing my hand along her silky legs, thus activating the animal passions of two hot lovers caught in the nets before the wild animals tore us limb from limb. “Oh Colonel, she said while biting my ear and digging her long, red fingernails into my back, while I attempted to loosen the ropes that bound us together.”
“Be kind to me Colonel”, she whispered hoarsely into my ear, as her nails dug deeper into my skin. “Treat me gently”, she said while I just about had managed to remove the ropes between us, twisting her around to face me, with her slapping me hard, saying” We were so close to the final act…..So close indeed…..”
She pulled a cigarette out of her handbag and asked for a light. “You didn’t get to the end of the journey”, she said. “You might have reached the destination, but there were still sights to see, while being there. Take your time and visit all of the high points while there. Don’t run away until I say so, because I am better acquainted with the duration, which your visit should be, so don’t be a stranger and run out of town!”
I just looked at her and wondered what her part in this heinous crime really was? Was she a victim, or was she the murderess? Who was the man in the Secret Room? What roll did he play in the crime?
We need to hide out while I think this one through, I told her when she was nearly done with her cigarette. I need to find some answers, and you need to stay close to me while I do so.
“Oh Colonel. How close do you want me to be?” Batting her eyelashes once again.
“The length of our lips will do for a start”, I told her with a smile. Although I still didn’t know what her first name was.
There was time for that.
That and other things…..